Continuing The Journey

By: Contributor Last Updated: May 7, 2010

Written by Father Michael

INTROIBO AD ALTARE DEI, AD DEUM QUI LAETIFICAT AT JUVENTUTEM MEAM. (I will go to the altar of God, to God who gives joy to my youth). I taught that Latin response when I was in eighth grade to the fourth grade Altar Servers in training. It was the opening phrase of the Mass. The words are beautiful, but were not understand by most people who heard them. My job was to teach the response to the priest words, not to help the server to understand. It was hocus-pocus. Sad but true. The Latin Mass went away because it was a language that had died. The beauty was still there but lost to those who were praising God.

I read these words are better known today as the opening words quoted by Buck Mulligan in James Joyce’s Ulysses. But even fewer people are reading that epic lexicon of free thought today.

The past month I have been struggling with words, words to describe how I am feeling to my doctors. The joy of my youth seems to have faded as I spend more time in doctors’ offices, it seems, than I do at my desk. When I get together with sisters and brother the conversation always start with a recitation of the weekly visits we have with one doctor or another. I must say that the acceptance of the humbling advances of age is difficult for me.

In talking with my doctors my language is always guarded, I do not want to admit to me that I am not feeling well. Yes, I go to the doctor because I feel something is wrong, but I am totally incapable of expressing myself. I deny knowledge of my own body. I do not say that I am out of breath that admits my weakness. I say I am tired. Once I said I am out of breath another avenue of treatment appeared. Maybe this angiogram will get to the obstruction of my joy. Once that is cleared maybe the pacemaker and cpap will be able to do their work and give me the youthful energy I lack.

Other words were also necessary to express my wishes in the event that I may be closer to my joyful return home to God. But those words were even harder to come by than the words that said good bye to my youth. They come with tears. Worse than filing taxes is the task of putting to words your wishes. At least once a year there is a plea from the Bishop to his priests to please have a letter on file at the Chancery stating your last wishes. Each year I put it aside “filing my extension”. Well it finally got done although it still lies on desk for my children to find or I gather the guts to mail it off to the Bishop and my children. The job goes to my children who are as unprepared as I am.

Living each day as if it were your last has a new meaning to me. I will fail to do it just as I have failed to it for the last sixty eight years. But the God that gave joy to my youth is the same God who gives me joy today, the God that loves me and says He is with me and will give me the strength to find my way home to Him. He will give me the strength to smile and the strength to try to love as He does. The Gospel of John (15:8) today gave me much strength in its positive message: My Father has been gloried in your bearing much fruit. It states that God has created to do good and that is what we do because says it is so.