At age three, he wouldn’t eat green beans at all, and would only eat carrots if he was rewarded with a popsicle. 
At ten, he wouldn’t clean his room without a 15-minute bargaining session and six reminders. At 16, he considered you the worst parent ever who doesn’t understand anything, and every little request is met with an all-out battle.
Welcome the world of power-and-control struggles. Ding, ding, ding…let’s get ready to rumble!
Not so fast. The truth of the matter is that power and control struggles are perfectly natural, in fact beneficial. Children need to learn how to negotiate and challenge adult authority appropriately. And on the flipside, adults too need to learn to respond with an open mind and when to yield control in order to give a child a degree of autonomy. The key, says therapist and author James Lehman, MSW, is “to take the defiance out of the power struggle.” Allowing a child to challenge your authority, and to be rewarded with autonomy is a healthy process that teaches other lessons. “Parents, in turn, need to teach their kids that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability,” said Lehman. Certainly there are times when a parent has to be steadfast with a point – not letting your young teen attend a concert in Chicago with unsupervised friends, for example. While you might be regarded as fascist and unfair, you keep your emotions in check and rest assured you’ve made the mature, adult decision. However, there are times that perhaps some negotiation is appropriate.
“Most children and teens don’t perceive life the same way their adult parents do,” said Lehman. “Kids have to learn how to have power struggles with their parents in a way that is not a personal attack.” It’s a valuable skill that will serve them well later on in life with teachers, employers and spouses. And it starts at an early age. Remember those high-chair years with flipped plates of vegetables and the cold piles of beans sitting in front of an arm crossed defiant child? “Most food jags, as they’re sometimes called, won’t last long if parents don’t accommodate them,” said Dr. Mary Gavin in an article on KidsHealth.com (Gavin, M.). Parents have to realize that kids tend to accept new tastes and textures very slowly, so it is recommended that you keep reintroducing them and model appropriate behavior – including eating the same food as them. You can also mix in some of their favorites with the new foods, but not bargain with them by saying “if you eat three more bites, I’ll give you a cookie.” That’s the wrong type of negotiation. Kids should eat healthy foods because it is the right thing to do, not so they’ll be rewarded. Similarly, when they’re older, a negotiation might be appropriate when the reward is that teen will earn a degree of accountability and responsibility.
Parents can check themselves to see if they are prone to encouraging power and control struggles, according Jan Faull, M.Ed., author of Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids:
- Are you a parent with lots of power in your professional life who expects to manage your kids the same way you manage your career?
- Are you a “powerless” parent – one determined to control your children’s lives because you have little control over your own?
- Do you expect your children to live up to your vision of the perfect child?
- Are you a perfectionist who believes there’s only one right way to do things?
- Are you unrealistic about your expectations for what children are interested in and can accomplish?
- Do you want to relive your life through your children, expecting them to accomplish what you didn’t?
- Do you want your children to live their lives exactly as you have lived yours?
If you answered yes to any of these it may be helpful for you take a self-inventory of what your expectations are and what price you’re willing to pay to attempt to reach them – and realize that even with the steep price, you still may not get the results you’re looking for.
There are no absolutes and there isn’t one broad-brush approach to parenting. Parents can relieve themselves of some of the pressure they feel to turn out the perfect children if they allow themselves to make some mistakes and not try to apply one method to all scenarios. The “my way or the highway” approach may work in the movies, but it is one that comes with a heavy price at home.
“Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative power: it’s simply power with positive or negative ends,” said Lehman. Know when to pick your battles, and likewise know when to yield with autonomy and reward with acknowledgement, more responsibility and accountability. Later in life when you no longer have any control whatsoever, your comfort is that you’ve raised your children with the confidence to make good decisions, the ability to negotiate their best lot in life, and that they are accountable and responsible.
To learn more, visit www.empoweringparents.com.
REFERENCES
Faull, J. M.Ed., Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids. Parenting Press, Seattle.
Gavin, M. M.D., “Toddlers at the Table: Avoiding Power Struggles.” KidsHealth.com, May, 2008.
Lehman, J. “Power Struggles Part I: Are You at War with a Defiant Child?” EmpoweringParents.com, June, 2009.